Time to write again.  Why?  Well, the shame cycle tried to rear its ugly head.  The intrusive thoughts that you can never be good enough and that your mistakes and inadequacies will never be forgotten.  That all the good you do can be undone in a thought or a whisper.

I’ve said this before, but yet it still has not changed.  Had I had any other medical problem that needed to be treated, I would have been sent flowers and well wishes and the hopes for a speedy recovery.  Instead, any mental health problem, including addiction, gets treated as if it were a bad choice.  Years later, a lifetime almost, and the questions are still asked.  This is one of the reasons that people don’t seek out help.  We even tell ourselves that it is our fault.

Truth be told, I am still an addict.  My current addictions won’t get me pulled over and arrested or cause me to lose my license, but the need to fill the empty hole still exists.  The hole that screams my fears and anxiety into the void.  The hole that can never be filled with the things that I buy or the entertainments I participate in.  The hole that says I can never be good enough or worthy of love just for existing.  The hole that says ‘if I win, it will all be okay.’

It doesn’t help that society no longer values my profession enough to properly compensate me.  At his point, retirement is a pipe dream.  Minimum wage has quadruples since I started practice, and yet my expected salary is the same or less than it was 30 years ago.  I am certainly able to make a living, but seem to struggle more than I expected at this time in my life.  Where do I go from here?  How do I silence that little voice that wants to scream into the void.

Most days, these voices are no longer loud enough to hurt.  Most days, my stomach doesn’t ache with fear and my heart doesn’t beat out of my chest with anxiety.  Most days, the doctor is in and I am worthy and powerful and ready to take on the world.  But some days, the shame monster comes out to play.  I am no longer afraid that he will win, but I am disheartened that I need to do battle again. 60 years old, 11 years sober.  When will I be able to feel safe again?

#addiction, #anxiety